Your eyes were filled with sorrow. Dread. Sadness.
Laying there on that hospital bed. It’s crazy to think that it’s been two years.
You weren’t just looking up…
Your eyes had something peculiar about them, searching for hope.
You were reliving memories in the blue sky out the window.
I remember what you said in the hospital before you passed away;
“I know I gave you boys a good base. I know you will make me proud”
You were talking about how you raised us and what you taught us.
Your fear of leaving us behind and not being able to be there for us outweighed any of your other egotistical fears of actually dying.
Your only thought when we entered was to make a joke about how fucked up the situation is.
I left that hospital supressing my emotions…
But I know that you knew how much I was feeling.
Say, how strange must it be to lay there infront of your kids, parting with the memory of ever seeing them have fun again?
Ever seeing them grow up, go through different life phases, and even start a family some day.
To come to terms with the fact that you wouldn’t ever get to be a grandma to my kids.
To part with the idea to never be there for your own mother in old age how you promised her.
To leave your soulmate alone and longing for the rest of his life.
I can’t imagine how difficult that must have been.
Right now, I see you sitting on your black Steinway piano.
Completely sucked into the world of your own musical mind.
I would wake up around noon from staying up late playing video games and couldn’t help but feel safe hearing your music.
It’s probably because you used to play even when I was still a baby boy in your stomach.
You know, it’s a shame your compositions never got the recognition they deserve while you were still around.
What if you become the next Vincent Van Gogh?
World famous after death. “The hidden genius of Angela Schwickerts symphonies uncovered.”
Who knows. Either way, you still live through your music.
I listen to it some times. I can’t do it often as I get extremely sad.
The last time I did, I cried.
How were you able to just compose this? Absolutely amazing.
(if you’re reading, give it a listen and play it in the background)
I remember every morning you’d be outside watching the birds drinking your coffee… full of enthusiasm while working on your purpose.
Similar to my enthusiasm when I work on mine.
Too bad I didn’t even know what “purpose” meant back then.
I sometimes saw a little girl in you
A little girl that’s fascinated by the simple wonders of the world.
A girl with huge dreams.
When my grandma tells me stories about how you were as a kid,
I can’t help but smile with a nostalgic look on my face.
I wish my girlfriend could meet you.
I remember we always talked about the time where I’d be in my first long term relationship.
If there’s one thing I want to let you know right now,
It’s that I love you.
Which is why I am writing about you now.
It feels right to honor you this way.
I’m only here because you loved us so much and because you had to leave us.
It forced me to grow
And for that I am thankful.
I have much to say to you, but that’s it for now.
Bye.
